Guilty of Loving You
by TheSwahn
Summary: This is a Stony 40's AU where neither Peggy nor Pepper are in the picture. They might be alive, but they're not in the story. Tony is in his father place and Steve is canon Captain America. As homosexuallity was so taboo in the 40's Steve and Tony eventually find out rather surprising secrets about each other which might lead to something else.
1. Chapter 1

Chattering voices could be heard through the night as the paty lingered on. There was a big event that night, whom all the importaint people in America had been invited to. Among them, Steve Rogers who were to recieve an award for his work as Captain America, but right now, he was outside, breathing in the fresh air. He didn't handle big crowds for a longer amount of time very well and just had to clear his head.  
As he looked up, towards the entrance, he noticed that someone else had stepped outside as well. When he came alittle closer, he could see it was Tony Stark. He was leaning against a beautiful Rolls Royce, smoking a cigarette.  
"Mr. Stark." The Captain greeted him with a nod. "Not enjoying the party?"  
"Even I get sick of crowds sometimes, Captain." Tony Stark answered carelessly, blowing out some smoke. He offered him a cigarette, by holding out the package, which Steve declined by shaking his head.  
"Please, calle me Steve."  
"Alright, Steve. Why aren't you inside? Aren't you like the bigshot at this thing?"  
Steve looked down shyly.  
"Believe it or not, I don't deal too well with crowds or speeches."  
The genious millionare grinned amused and raised an eyebrow.  
"Really? But your shows.."  
"Scripted. Obviously." Steve explained, rolling his eyes.  
Tony chuckeld. "Of course, I should have known. It just looked oh so natural!" He said ironically.  
"Especially the way you lifted three girls on a motorcycle!"  
This made him laugh.  
"Actually, that was real."  
"Really?" Tony said in wander, his eyes looking to his arms.  
"Could you lift my car?"  
"Probably." Steve admitted. "But I don't think you want me to try.." In danger of damaging that beauty.  
"Not bad.." Tony muttered to himself. "But you're probably right."  
When his cigarette had gone out, he glanced at a pocketwatch and sighed.  
"We should probably head back in, before they start writing stories."  
Steve chuckled and nodded in agreement as they went.

Inside, they settled in the bar and Tony ordered whiskey.  
"Want anything?"  
"Schnaps, please." Steve replied. Tony signaled the bartender and ordered the drinks, as Steve muttered to himself: "I just wish it could affect me right now.."  
"I'm sorry?"  
"What?" He thought he had been thinking it, but apparently he had said it outloud.  
"Are you saying you can't get drunk?"  
"Oh, uh.. yeah."  
"Fascinating." Tony stated. Steve raised his eyebrows at him.  
"I would love to expreiment in ways to get you drunk."  
This made Steve laugh.  
"Now that would be a great scientific discovery." He held up his drink in a cheers, Tony did the same and they drank.  
Suddenly, their attention where turned to the stage, as the music died down and the host anounced it was time for the awards. Four people recieved their awards, among them Tony Stark who was so relaxed, funny and charismatic on stage and then it was Steve's turn.  
"And now, for his work as Captain America, turing the wat and saving countless lives.. Steve Rogers!" The anouncer called out.  
Tony muttered a "Break a leg" And he walked up to the stage.  
"Thank you." He said into the microphone after he had accepted the award and shaken the host's hand.  
"Many people call me a war hero, but I'm simply trying to serve my country and do whatever I can to help people. Therefor, I think this award belong to all the men and women who gave their lives to defend their country." He paused, grief falling over his face. "Including my dear friend, Bucky, who stood by my side until the end."  
He bowed and applause filled the hall. He exited the stage and seated himself next to Tony in the bar once more. Tony made a dramatic whistling sound and pushed a drink towards him. "Schnaps."  
But Steve just stared empty at it. He shouldn't have braught up Bucky.. The memories flashed in his mind and it was too painful to remember.  
"Look.." Tony said, a bit more softly this time.  
"I'm sorry about your friend. It must've been horrible."  
Steve looked up at him.  
"People normally just say things like 'He died bravely' or 'He did his duty as a soldier' or 'It's the way he would've wanted it to be..' "  
Tony wrinkled his eyebrows.  
"That's bullshit. You lost your best friend in war, it must've been a nightmare." He got some looks at the vulgar language, but neither of them noticed. Tony's sincerity actually made Steve smile.  
"Well.. thanks."  
"Yeah."  
The music had started playing again and people were chattering all around and even though it was smooth jazz music, it felt like they were inside a beehive.  
"Wanna get out of here?" Tony suggested and Steve nodded as before they headed out.

Outside, they stopped by Tony's car and he lit a cigarette. This was the first time Steve actually stopped and got a good look at him. He had always seen how women swarmed around him and heard what a womanizer he was and he had wondered what the fuzz was about, asuming it was because of his money. But now he could kind of see it. He was actually a very handsome man. With his suit perfectly tailored to his body, his stylish beard and his dark brown hair slicked back for the evening.  
"What?" Tony popped Steve's thoughtbubble, as he noticed he was staring at him. Steve quickly looked away.  
"Nothing. I just uh.. I like your car." Nice Stave Rogers. But luckily, Tony seemed to buy it.  
"Thanks." He said, stroking his hand along it's side.  
"Do you wanna take it for a ride?"  
Steve eyed the car. "Seriously?"  
"Yeah!" Tony decleared. "I normally don't let anyone touch my cars, but seeing as you've saved thousands of lives, I've decided to trust you."  
He had to look away from Tony, to the car, hoping he wasn't blushing.  
They got in, Steve sinking down in the leatherseat and stroking his hands along the wheel.  
"So where to?"  
"Wanna come back to my place?" Tony suggested. Steve agreed and they sped onto the highway, while Tony explained the way. It was quiet in the car for a while, except for the radio buzzing low, as streetlights flashed past the windows. When he listened, Steve recognised the song and hummed along.  
"You know this song?" Tony asked.  
"Yeah, I love it actually. My mother used to sing it to me as a kid."  
As Steve hummed along in a low voice, Tony listened to the lyrics (link):

Lullaby of birdland that's what I  
Always hear when you sigh  
Never in my wordland could there be words to reveal  
In a phrase how I feel

Have you ever heard two turtle doves  
Bill and coo when they love  
That's the kind of magic music we make with our lips  
When we kiss

And there's a weeping old Willow  
He really knows how to cry  
That's how I'll cry on my pillow  
If you should tell me farewell and goodbye

Lullaby of birdland whisper low  
Kiss me sweet and we'll go  
Flying high in birdland high in the sky up above  
All because we're in love

When the song ended, Tony sighed and Steve shot a glance at him.  
"Are you alright?"  
"What? Oh, yes I'm fine." Tony smiled shortly, before looking out of the carwindow. Steve couldn't help but thinking he looked alittlebit sad.

When they arrived at Tony's place, Steve couldn't help but stare in amazement. The Stark manor... it was huge! He would probably get lost in all the rooms, if Tony didn't guide him trhough them. They ended up in the _ and Tony put on a record. Steve could see what it was, but it played mostly smooth jazz music. Tony then proceeded to pour two glasses of chognac, sat down and lit a cigarette.  
"So Captain.." He started. "Have you ever been to birdland?"  
"I'm sorry?"  
"Have you ever been in love?"  
Steve was a little surprised that he suddenly asked this out of the blue, but didn't really mind either.  
"I suppose so.." He answered. "What about you?"  
"I have." Tony said, taking a long drag of his cigarette and Steve couldn't help but thinking he looked sad again.  
"But it didn't work out to well." He continued.  
"Why not?"  
The normally playful and outgoing millionare was now quiet and smiled darkly.  
"Let's just say the public wouldn't be too happy if the press found out about it."  
It was probably crazy thinking so, but it sounded like he was suggesting..  
"I'm sorry if I'm really out of line here" Steve started carefully. "but do you..? I mean are you..?" He trailed off, not knowing what to say.  
"A homosexual?" Tony finished for him.  
"I'm not even sure myself. I mean, I like women, but the only time I've actually been in love have been with men.."  
Steve watched him talk as he listened intently, when Tony suddenly cleared his throat and shifted in the chair.  
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't be talking about this. You must think I'm crazy! I've just had too much to drink and-"  
"No." Steve cut him off. "I don't think you're crazy. Please- this must be hard for you, so if you want to talk, you can trust me."  
"Thanks." Tony muttered. Tears started welling in his eyes and he looked away quickly.  
"So um.. who were you in love with?"  
"Well.." He started. "There was Bucky. But you know.. I could never say anything. They would've thrown me out of the military and even worse they might thrown him out as well.."  
"Tough luck, huh?" Tony muttered and Steve nodded. This was the first time he had talked about this with anyone ever and frankly, he wasn't even sure why he talked about it now. He just felt so at ease with this man.  
"I just don't understand.." Tony interrupted his thoughts.  
"The doctors say it's a disease.. That there's something wrong with the brains of people who're attracted to the same gender. But I've researched it! And as far as my experiments can tell, my brain is just like everyone else's! I don't understand.."  
"Wanna dance?"  
Tony's brown eyes looked up in wonder. Steve had stood up and was standing in front of him, holding out his hand. Alittle puzzled, Tony blinked, but took his hand and Steve lead him out on the floor, wrapping his arms around him. They moved their feet smoothly around the floor, locking their eyes together. In the background, the song went like this:

Is it a sin, is it a crime  
Loving you dear, like I do?  
If it's a crime then I'm guilty  
Guilty of loving you

"Don't worry too much of what other people think, Tony." Steve muttered softly.  
"The way I see it, as long as you're a good person, it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like or what you believe."  
Tony laughed lightly.  
"You may be right, Captain."

Maybe I'm wrong  
Dreaming of you  
Dreaming the lonely night through  
If it's a crime, then I'm guilty  
Guilty of dreamig of you

What can I do  
What can I say  
After I've taken the blame?  
You say you're through  
You'll go your way  
But I'll always feel just the same

Their movements went slower and slower throughout the song. Steve lowered their hands to their sides and he could feel his heart hammering in his chest. As the song came to an end, they stopped all together. It was apparently the last song on the record, so they were left in silence, drowning in each other's eyes. Tony leaned closer and Steve froze in place. He closed his eyes and he could feel the other man's lips against his own. It was the most incredible feeling he had ever felt. It was light a mighty weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He felt so light and sort of free! Without even realising it, he had wrapped one arm around the shorter man's waist and kissed him back the other was at the back of his head, burrying his fingers in his dark hair. But after a while, he pulled back.  
"S-Steve?" Tony whispered. Steve couldn't do anything. He was frozen in place staring at the floor. He put his hand over his mouth.  
"Hey, are you alright?" Tony said a little cleared this time. A thousand thoughts and emotions was racing through him at once and it was overwhelming. It felt so good, he couldn't believe it. So good, he almost felt guilty for feeling that way? It sort of felt like he was doing something illegal, but at the same time, he wanted more. His heart pounded in his chest. He shut his eyes and shook his head.  
"I'm sorry." He muttered, before he hurried out of the house.


	2. It Had To Be You

Tony was left standing there like an idiot. He couldn't move at first. His body hadn't fully comprehenced what was happening. By the time he could move, and run after Steve, it was too late.  
"STEVE!" He yelled as he ran down the driveway, but the guy was long gone. He'd probably taken a cab.  
Stunned, he went back inside and downed the chognac. Had it been too much for him? But he had just told him he'd been in love with that Bucky guy.. He said he could trust him, damnit!  
"GOD DAMNIT!" He threw the glass in the wall, shattering pieces everywhere. Then the other glass. Then the bottle. He sank to his knees, gripping his hair. The feeling were all too familliar and he hated it. This was so typical. Did he ever learn?  
But no. He refused to cry. Instead, he sat in the big window in the diningroom and drank til he could barely feel anything. He watched other the twinkling lights in the city and wondered if Steve Rogers regretted all of this.

The next couple of days, he was just really angry and wanted nothing but to yell at the guy. He tried to contact him, but to no use. He went to all the places he'd seen him around before, but couldn't find him. He even went to his work place and found out where he lives. Went to his home adress, but with no luck. When he couldn't find him anywhere and it seemed like he had disappeared from the surface of the world, Tony started to get worried. Had he fled the city? Did he hate Tony so much that he had to leave his life behind? Or had he done... something worse? No. Steve was a strong man, detirmined too. He would never do that. But then where was he?

Tony were getting despreate, but since he couldn't talk to the man, he decided to try to forget about him instead. He drowned himself in work, spending as much time in the lab as he could and tried not to think about him or everything that had happened. But it was like it was glued to his mind. He couldn't forget. That kiss was unlike anything he had ever felt in the world and the worst part was that he didn't even regret it. He knew he should be ashamed of himself. It was wrong. Inhumane. A sin. But Tony thought to himself that he'd rather experience one kiss like that and go to hell, than live a dreadfully boring life he hated and go to heaven. It just... it made him forget about everything and he felt.. lighter. Like he didn't weigh anything and could just float away with the wind. Except he was held in place, by Steve Rogers strong, firm arms who were holding him, like they wanted him to stay. His strong arms who tightened their grip, like he wanted him closer.  
He shook his head, clearing his thoughts. He was probably just overthinking everything, like he always did.

Time went by and Tony was not forgetting anything. He tried out other methods to forget. He went to bars. Seduced women and took them home. And though they were beautiful women who apreciated and admired him, he could not find any interest. As he got into bed and this beautiful woman climbed on top of him, he couldn't feel anything. He gripped her hips, ignoring her womanly curves and closed his eyes. And the only thing he could picture as he closed eyes was... Steve. He imagined Steve's breath on his neck. Steve's hands running their fingers through his hair. Steve moving on top of him and... now he felt something. It was so strange.. that everytime he reached climax, he imagined having sex with another man. But it worked and this way, he could be close to him, even if he weren't. When he opened his eyes the next morning, he was always disgusted with himself. He was well awere he was a terrible person who used innocent girls and used other men as his sex fantasies, but he just didn't care. Damn it all, he could be a bad person if that meant he could get through life easier.

The weather was getting colder and the nights were getting darker. It was the end of October now, closing in on Halloween and about three weeks had gone since he last saw Steve Rogers. Tony was out, buying some liqor, since he'd run out. Usually, he would just send a maid, but for once, he wanted to go himself and get some fresh air. He walked down the quiet street in the evening, some leaves were falling slowly and the cold wind bit at his cheeks. He stopped, for no particular reason and watched a man get out of a cab. The man had a long green military officer coat and a bag thrown over his shoulders. He was tall with broad shoulders.. Tony froze suddenly. He was standing with his back turned, so Tony couldn't really make out who he was, but then he tunred around and stepped under a streetlamp. Tony dropped the bag and the bottles shattered on the ground.  
"steve..?" He whispered and his legs started moving towards the man automatically. The smooth, blonde hair. The strong body. The broad shoulders and innocent blue eyes... it was definately him.  
"Steve!" He called louder and rushed towards him.  
"Tony?" Steve whipped around to the direction of where his name had been called.  
"You asshole!" Tony yelled as he reached the man. "You can't just take off like that, what the hell?! Do you have any idea how worried I've been?!" He was so angry he wanted to punch him, but couldn't make himself to do it. Steve furrowed his eyebrows.  
"Tony.." He murmured saddened.  
"NO! You know what, I don't care how you feel, you can't just take off like that without a word! You can't just do that!" He broke off as he felt a lump in his throat was growing. How dare you be perfect. How dare you ruin my life like that.  
"Tony.. I'm sorry." Steve said again. "I got scared, so I asked for the first mission avaliable they had and took it." He tried to explain, but realised it was to no use.  
"Sorry my ass." Tony muttered.  
"I am!"  
"If you were sorry, you wouldn't.." He trailed off and looked down in the ground to fight back the lump. "You left me there like an idiot. You can't just leave after dancing... after kissing me like that. I've never had a kiss like that, ok? You felt it too, didn't you?" He looked up, meeting his eyes. "Am I wrong?"  
There was a pause, and then Steve carefully shook his head. His sad, blue eyes were blank and it broke Tony's heart.  
"No, you're right." He muttered. "Truth is.. I'd never kissed anyone before. And the way it made me feel.. it was such a good feeling. And so I got confused and scared and I ran away. I realise that was wrong of me and I'm sorry."  
Tony stared at him. Tears started welling in his eyes and then a single tear sailed down his cheek.  
"Damnit.." He muttered. "Shit. I didn't know... Damnit all to hell."  
Suddenly, Steve wrapped his big arms around him in a hug.  
"It's ok to cry, Tony." He whispered next to his ear. "I'm sorry. I didn't realise how you felt."  
Hesitating alittle at first, Tony gripped his coat the back and burried his face in his shoulder. Finally, he let his tears go. Steve just held him and stroke the back of his head as he cried silently on his shoulder. When his shoulder were starting to get wet, Tony pulled back.  
"Shit.." He muttered. "I don't normally do this."  
Steve laughed lightly and wiped away his tears with a handkerchief he pulled from the inside of his coat.  
"It's alright, Tony." He assured. "Come on. Let me walk you home." He held out his elbow as an offer for Tony to take his arm and Tony obliged.

They walked in silence back to Tony's house and since it was late and noone was out in the streets, Tony allowed himself to press alittle closer and enjoyed the warm comfort of the other man. As they arrived, Steve walked him up the driveway, all the way to his door.  
"Well.. I better get going then."  
"Are you serious?" Tony stopped him. "Come inside!" Steve smiled and joined Tony inside the house.

When they got inside, Tony was alittle rounded up. He rarely had guests (at least guests he cared about) so he didn't really know what to do.  
"I don't have anything to drink, sorry. I kind of.. broke the bottles I was supposed to get."  
"Relax, Tony." Steve said and took his hand, just as Tony was rummaging around in the kitchen to find something to eat or drink. Tony stopped and looked up at him, meeting his eyes. That was a mistake. Once he looked into those sweet, blue eyes, he couldn't look away. And now that they were inside in proper lighting, he could see his gorgeous face even more clearly. Which was something Steve also seemed to notice, for he frowned his brows in a lost puppy kind of look.  
"You look awful.. are you alright?" It was probably written all over his face how he hadn't slept in five days and had been drinking three weeks in a row, but he the last thing he wanted to talk about was how terrible he'd been the last couple of weeks.  
"I'm fine." He muttered plainly and pulled his hand away. Steve jerked back, startled by the sudden agression and Tony sighed.  
"Sorry.. It's just happened so many times before, you know, that people leave me. So I don't handle rejection very well." Steve didn't say anything and just watched him quietly.  
"I don't even know why I'm telling you this.."  
"I'm sorry." He looked back to Steve again.  
"Really, I.. I had no idea, Tony. I thought this didn't mean anything to you." It was first now, Tony realised Steve felt the exact same way as he did. He smiled and placed his hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at him.  
"Are you joking? I'm nuts about you! I can't even sleep for five minutes without dreaming about you! I'm mean you're just so perfect it's not even fair.." Steve stared at him and blushed, which Tony found adorable. Feeling confident that this time, the moment was definately right, he reached up and kissed the taller man firmly.


End file.
